Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
why does this building look like a guilty dog
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”