Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.


As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.


Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?


my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas


I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.


Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.


Me: I’m looking for a 4bed, 3bath, big yard.

Realtor: and what’s your budget?

Me: *hands him a sack of Chuck E. Cheese’s tokens*


you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example