ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”