My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Having a McDonald’s in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Strangers have the best candy.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.