@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

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@iwearaonesie

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

@MariasWestSide

I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

@samcorb

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

@ClichedOut

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

@Darlainky

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

@nonosimprov

Culturally speaking…

Having a McDonald’s in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.

@daddydoubts

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

@PopSlapFunk

Fun Fact:

You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.