ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

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Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.


Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.


“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)


“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad


forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.


You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.


I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.


I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.


Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*


I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.