Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.