me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit

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Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.


Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.


If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”


“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.


whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well


[Frat party]


CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.


we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:


If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units


“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*


Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..