A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I like crazy people until they notice me
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up