Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I wish this was real life…
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms