Hamlet should have been a play about a small pig instead of whatever it’s really about.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My girlfriend said that sex is better on vacation. That wasn’t the postcard I was expecting.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
People buying plungers never look happy.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread