Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

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Hamlet should have been a play about a small pig instead of whatever it’s really about.


Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!


I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”


*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?


My girlfriend said that sex is better on vacation. That wasn’t the postcard I was expecting.


(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep


my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”


ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread