Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
felt that
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
what’s more important?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.