me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo