Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Voting is the worst group project
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
What’s a Messi?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile