Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

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Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.


I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.


Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.


Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.


4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there


“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.


Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.

Me: *makes another plate of nachos*


me: it’s too hot

*opens window*

*in comes 305430 flies, 43866 spiders, 91193 moths, a serial killer, a paedophile and a burglar*