Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?