Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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Me too 😆
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
That de-escalated quickly
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you