Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.
Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.
Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
Why does gigahertz? Because megabytez.
Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?