@not_delicate

Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.

Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’

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@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@KentWGraham

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

@Skoog

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

@JKickinit30

[job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager…

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…

@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@TheDarkSideCEO

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

@JohnLyonTweets

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.