On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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Our lord and savoury.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Spa day..😅
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it