@not_delicate

Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.

Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’

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@_b1p0larbear

Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.

@GrantTanaka

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

@DecantAndPour

I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.

@omgthatspunny

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

@Koonass3

If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

@juliussharpe

I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?