if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.
Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’
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Wasps: bees, but not helping
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’m too immature for adultery.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
HR: You put that you were the branch manager…
Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.