*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.