@rocknthepurple

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

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@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@Humor_Fetish

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@FeelingMervis

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

@Poutymcgee

[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.

@SteveToyne

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘No I’m Spartacus’

‘I am Spartacus’

‘I AM Spartacus’

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’

@causticbob

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

@TheTimmyToes

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me