Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
those birds must be on payroll
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Terribly Tuesday.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
How it started How it’s going
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids