Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

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Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?


[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*


Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.


I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”


Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?


Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?


Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie


Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.


“daddy why did the moon turn red?”
“because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie”