Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
The training begins.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??
If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.
‘No I’m Spartacus’
‘I am Spartacus’
‘I AM Spartacus’
‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me