Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
black phone good
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Simple
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.