@LetMeStart

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

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@Reverend_Scott

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@carltonhimself

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

@trgrrl

me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop

@gerryhallcomedy

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

@Reverend_Scott

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”