Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.