Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Donkey Kong sommelier