I knock some sense into people with a hammer.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I get distracted pretty eas
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.