@DavidAdt1

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

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@djdarrellripley

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

@Mechaniz10

When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.

Expect a 20 minute rant.

@brynnester

I’m dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached

@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

@jazz_inmypants

me: hi can I please give u all of my money

college: no you got a B in geometry when you were 14

me: ok sorry for asking

@Annoyinglyhappy

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes

@MartaEffing

[Puzzle Group Therapy]

Crossword: Just once, someone use a pen!
Sudoku: Nobody likes math.
Jigsaw: ..Then they glued me together! *sobs*

@robfee

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

@nayele18maybe

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.