Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women


do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam


My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.


If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.


Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!


I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.