Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.