Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
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Seems legit
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My beach vacation Google searches
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
i prefer mine room temperature.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.