Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser