all bases covered
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Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
good for her
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
scares
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*