Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes