the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
You Might Also Like
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan