You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
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Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
A fun prank to pull on a neighbor is to introduce a species of invasive grass into his lawn.