@ashleyaustrew

Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

@Tups13

Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.

@buhsbaby_baby

[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off

@Fred_Delicious

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

@Darlainky

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

@Laser_Cat

A fun prank to pull on a neighbor is to introduce a species of invasive grass into his lawn.