I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.