How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
That’s incredible! 👌
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.