me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.