Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.