I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops