@realfunghi

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

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@anbrll00

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

@WittySassBasket

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

@squirrel74wkgn

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

@22_Minutes

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

@ArfMeasures

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops