Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

You Might Also Like


My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.


*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race


ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here


ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way


SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin


{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.


ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?


If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.


sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.


i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on