My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on