Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
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I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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Me: Same.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves