Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.