“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
🥶🥶🐶🐶
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!