Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

LA today:

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

Home is where your toilet is.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.