Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Encore…
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*