Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Eat…
Good Morning.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.