Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.