Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.