A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
F: Really into Craft Beer.
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory