@_little_old_me A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
@KalvinMacleod ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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@_little_old_me 
@causticbob Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
@valerie_tosi Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
@SortaBad FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
@ALLCAPSBRO WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
@SocialExtortion How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?
@_elvishpresley_ *Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
@ShootyDoody Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
@rickkondell The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
@allisongeroi My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory