ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
can’t bark with your mouth full
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color