@Darlainky
You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.
@KalvinMacleod
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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@Darlainky
@HereComesCunty
my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”
@BeagirlNJ
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
@TEXASVETERAN
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
@simoncholland
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
@JazzJazzybc
Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.
@mydmac
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
@jojomarshalll
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
@UnFitz
My dress code is business-casualty.