You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My dress code is business-casualty.