@KalvinMacleod

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

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@_little_old_me

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@SortaBad

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

@SocialExtortion

How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?

@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

@ShootyDoody

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

@rickkondell

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

@allisongeroi

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory