ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

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my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”


I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.


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Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.


No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.