@KalvinMacleod

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

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@Darlainky

You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.

@HereComesCunty

my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”

@BeagirlNJ

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@JazzJazzybc

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.

@mydmac

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.