@ThisOneSayz

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

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@J0hnnyBlaze

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@TheMichaelRock

Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*

Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?

@neonwario

I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”

@roxiqt

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

@Rlpihl

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

@PaperWash

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

@Awk0Tacoo

Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!

How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.

@arb

crisis: happens

celebrities: time to 🎶 SIIIIIIIIING