Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
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HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
This bar smells like my childhood.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*