@_salt_n_lime

Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.

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@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

@Angibangie

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

@dave_cactus

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

@idkrethink

Friend: wyd ?

Me: working

Friend: and wyd after ?

Me : sleeping for work tomorrow

@Brianhopecomedy

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

@Marlebean

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.