Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
This makes total sense…
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Netflix and awkward silence?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?