Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.

You Might Also Like


me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose


Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.


[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]


If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk


Friend: wyd ?

Me: working

Friend: and wyd after ?

Me : sleeping for work tomorrow


Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.


I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.