me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.
Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.
Me: I said what I said.
You Might Also Like
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Friend: wyd ?
Friend: and wyd after ?
Me : sleeping for work tomorrow
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.