Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.