Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
me: Did you brush your teeth?
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: Compassion is my compass.
Him: We’ve been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.
GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?