Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
You Might Also Like
🙂🙃🥹
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?