Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

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You don’t see enough ditches these days. If I want to pass out in a ditch I have to google “ditches near me” and look for one with good reviews and it’s a whole thing


A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime


*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”


Shout out to my kids.



Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.


*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.


My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol