@ellewasamistake

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

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@SnarkyMommy78

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

@hermanntrude

Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.

Me: what are you doing?

AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.

Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns

*Shunning intensifies*

@DudeInABearSuit

If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.

@SilverKick

Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.

@UghNotAgain

Husbands.
Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.

@BromanConsul

the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words

@garrydavenport

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@CaucasianJames

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are