me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
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Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up