My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You Might Also Like
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.