You Might Also Like

@Mr_Kapowski

[farmers market]

Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?

Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?

Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so

Me: *leans in close* If I find out-

Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me

@DaddyBeerGuy

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

@thatUPSdude

Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school

Cop;…….

Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

@fro_vo

imagine not being able to use your imagination.

wrong

@hello_saylor

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@anerdonfire2

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

@stanfordhoward_

Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.

@WheelTod

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

@ericsshadow

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen