wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I must admit, my “Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus” T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
thinking about a very short hotdog