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@iwearaonesie

wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

@coolauntV

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

@nikkithecanuck

I must admit, my “Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus” T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

@Ygrene

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@clichedout

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

@AnOrangeSNES

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

@UncleDuke1969

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.