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[farmers market]

Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?

Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?

Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so

Me: *leans in close* If I find out-

Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me


Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!


Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school


Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?


imagine not being able to use your imagination.



Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”


Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull


You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last


Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.


I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.


WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen