Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?
Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?
Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so
Me: *leans in close* If I find out-
Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
imagine not being able to use your imagination.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
We accidentally made a baby.
We accidentally made a pizza.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen