[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
You are what you delete.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time