HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?