Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
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mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again
Ladies, don’t date him just because his dad has a yacht.
Date the dad.
Me: Treat yo self
My Bank Account: DO NOT TREAT YO SELF
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….
Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?
*racks the chamber*
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.