@AbbieEvansXO

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

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@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@DanMentos

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

@MarfSalvador

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@Trustedshoe

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

@KalvinMacleod

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

@SarahKernig

I’m gonna start Roman life on campus instead of Greek life and what you get to do is raid sororities and frats parties and take their stuff

@JaneBadall

In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.

@schlimp

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

@JumbledButts

Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”

Con1: “Yes.”

Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

*in unison* “death sentences.”

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep