Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
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Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’m gonna start Roman life on campus instead of Greek life and what you get to do is raid sororities and frats parties and take their stuff
In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”
Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”
*in unison* “death sentences.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep