Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
LMAO
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Can’t stop laughing
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox