Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.