@ADHDeanASL

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

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@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@Jen_says_nah

Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn ‘what’s wrong?’ Its not gonna answer ya.

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

@JohnLyonTweets

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

@AndrewChamings

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

@MomofTeen

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

@daemonic3

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

@Bakwasowski

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.