Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”


Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn ‘what’s wrong?’ Its not gonna answer ya.


Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]



“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada


I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water


Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.


Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?


If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.