Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.

Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.

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Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever wants to sacrifice a virgin about it.


Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.


If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi


Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.


Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.


Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president


Sally: Mommy let’s play magical beautiful animals. This magic dust just turned me into a beautiful Unicorn named Rainbow Beauty!

Me: Ok cool! What did the magic dust turn me into?

Sally: A hippo. You don’t have a name.



If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?


[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?