I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
nah this out of line.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Oh, you don’t like my Lego jokes?
HAHA, get it?!
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”