Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
You Might Also Like
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?