@0kilyDokily

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

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@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

@pilau

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

@letmemomsplain

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

@VanGobot

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

@SortaBad

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

@Dutch_50

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”