Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?