Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
You Might Also Like
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.